What the Photo

"Mmm... corn..."

Really its the pink antlers that freak me out. They look like sex organs.

The real reason Bambi's mother was shot when she ran into the meadow.

Today we are going to explore the depths of the ocean and some of the pants-wettingly scary things that call it home.

Metroid?

Exhibit 1. The thing with eyes that can probably eat your brains through a straw in it’s mouth and then ride on top of you like some kind of body-snatcher.

This is apparently the blob fish. Yeah.

So the fact that these things are in the ocean makes me feel less bad about global warming. It looks like afterbirth.

I guess this is the astronesthes. More like ass-biting-tronesthes.

If Gollum from Lord of the Rings became a fish, this is what he’d look like. You know, if he’d worn that ring a bit longer.

Bathysaurus? That means it's prehistoric, and therefore DEADLY!

Look at those white, killer’s eyes. And that papery skin. It’s like a freakin vampire fish.

I believe this is simply Fangtooth. Aptly named. Now kill it.

It looks like an animated hunk of beef.

Hollywood still can’t conceive anything that scares the crap out of me faster than these ocean-dwelling monsters. Thank God I live in the good old land-locked state of Illinois, where the only thing we have to worry about is the $11.5 billion state deficit.

In the future, fashion and garbage will unite in a cataclysm of ugly.

If Muppets were real, I think they’d look like this. And I would want to cry myself to sleep each night for the rest of my life.  Aaaaaand that chick totally has a ’stache.

See also: Real-Life Bert from Sesame Street.

"Hey I'm just hanging out with Predator here."

Some people can’t stand the suspense of not knowing what they’re getting for Christmas. Me? I can’t stand the suspense of this man from a series of hooks embedded in his flesh.

Stuff like this makes me weep for humanity.

What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu........

It’s an urn death-mask. So your beloved one’s head can forever rest on your mantle, with their ashes inside.

Now there’s even more reason to try hard to never, ever die.

Actual product here. Big thanks to @jeditigger for the find.

My wife recently purchased a box of generic Lucky Charms.

Oh God, hold me!

Don’t get me wrong. Generic cereal is fine. But who puts this sort of mascot on a box of cereal?

Marshmallows and Stars. Am I eating this thing’s spawn? He looks like a character from an under-the-sea version of Deliverance. Where the hell is Millville, the heart of the Alabama back-country?

"Serving Suggestion." Also note my leet Nintendo DSi photo-editing skills.

Further inspection reveals that the serving suggestion appears to be marshmallow spooge.

This box screams appetite/portion control. I commend Millville on their contributions toward ending childhood obesity.

*boom tss boom tss boom tss boom tss...*

It’s like an erotic dream accidentally injected with Where the Wild Things Are.